


The Troubles

by Artistwolf



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anorexia, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bulimia, Child Sexual Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Leia and Han are trying their best, Loneliness, Mental Institution, Past Attempted Suicide, Past Sexual Abuse, Positive ending, Rey Needs A Hug, Schizophrenia, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoughts of Suicide, ben solo has schizophrenia, depictions of mental illnesses, recent attempted suicide, rey has an eating disorder, rey has anorexia, seriously probably lots of triggers in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:36:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artistwolf/pseuds/Artistwolf
Summary: In which Ben and Rey meet in a mental institution. Ben has schizophrenia, Rey has anorexia/an unspecified eating disorder.I listened to The Troubles by U2 on repeat while writing this, hence the title... go give it a listen; it fits Ben’s mental/schizophrenic condition perfectly!Please pay attention to the tags; there are a lot of trigger subjects here so please use caution.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 70





	The Troubles

**Author's Note:**

> You might notice that the story is written sort of as a series of one-shots, or individual thoughts, then becomes a little less disjointed as it goes on. There’s a series of flashbacks in here too... any of the confusing nature of this is done purposefully to reflect Ben’s mental state throughout.
> 
> I tried to do as much research as possible on this subject, so I hope I got it somewhat close to accurate!

“Ben, I need you to hand me the knife,” Han said slowly, holding a hand out to the man in front of him. “You can do it, son.”

“I’m not your son anymore,” Ben growled back. “That man was weak, and I am being _reborn_. I’m the Supreme Leader now, and you will all _worship_ me. But I have to kill you first.”

Ben made a fast move, aiming his knife to stab at his father’s abdomen, just as a loud clatter came from the front door. A deep woman’s voice called out. “Ben!”

He faltered, which allowed him just enough time for Han to whip a gun out of his pocket. “Drop the weapon, son.”

***

The man with jaw-length, black hair, opened bright, confused eyes to see a brightly-lit white room. Ben attempted to lift an arm, only to feel a soft restraint holding him fast to the bed. He groaned.

He knew this place.

“You’re awake,” a voice said, and Ben looked over to see a nurse standing next to the bed, messing with his IV. “Good. Do you know where you are?”

“Mental institution,” Ben huffed, his mind giving him an odd moment of clarity in which he felt out-of-place in his own life. “Which is just _wonderful_ , really. They said they wouldn’t send me back here.”

“Well, perhaps if you had stayed on your meds... it’s pretty much not an option when one is exhibiting violent behaviors.”

There were a thousand things Ben wanted to say, wanted to protest, because being in this place would surely _kill_ him, but he settled with the simplest question. “What did you give me? I feel so tired.” She was trying to poison him. She had to be. Yes, _that_ made sense. Didn’t it?

“You’re in a high dose of Aripiprazole right now. Hold on, I’ll get the psychiatrist. He wants to do an evaluation.”

Ben decided against arguing, his eyes closing as he fell into a sort of half-sleep before the psychiatrist entered. “Hello,” he said cheerfully.

Ben jerked in surprise, blinking his eyes open and staring at the man. “Let me out of these restraints.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that before you prove to me that you’re safe enough for that. Can I ask you your name?”

“I’m Kylo Ren. I’m the Supreme Leader. You’re going to be in serious trouble, trying to lock me up here.”

The psychiatrist nodded, glancing at his clipboard. “I see. How long have you been off your meds?”

Ben scowled. “I don’t need medication. I’m fine.”

“And when did you decide that?”

“I had the revelation about a month ago.”

“Have you been living with your parents that whole time?”

Ben scoffed. “I’m 23. I don’t still live with my parents.”

“Then what were you doing at their house earlier?”

“I was on a mission.” Ben struggled into a sitting position and leaned forward. “He told me I had to prove my loyalty. I tried to kill him, I didn’t hesitate—“

“Who told you to do this?”

Ben stared at him in confusion. “ _He_ did.”

“The voice in your head?”

“Yes, the man who speaks to me.” Ben frowned. “I can barely hear him now. You’re cutting off my connection to him—“

“I know, I’m sorry,” the psychiatrist said gently. “We’re only trying to help.”

“I failed. Han needed to die. Now _He’ll_ kill me.”

“Calm down, Mr. Solo. It’s okay. We’ll keep you safe here.”

“They’re all trying to kill me.” Ben’s expression appeared pained, his eyes fearful. “They don’t like me being their leader... But I am, I’ve been divinely appointed—“

“Listen, Ben—Kylo—I’m going to help you sleep for a little while. Things will be clearer in the morning.”

“They’re already clear!” Ben protested. “I have to go! I can’t stay here; they’ll kill me; I have to finish the job—“

His words faded away as the psychiatrist added something to his IV and he sank into a deep sleep.

***

“Can I sit here?”

Ben looked up from his tray to see a girl approaching him, long brown hair tied into an odd hairstyle of three messy buns. She was wearing tight brown leggings and a long white cable-knit sweater. “I guess so.”

“Cool.” His eyes traveled to her hands, gripping her tray as she sat down. He caught a glimpse of thick white bandages covering both her wrists. Ah, so that’s what she was here for.

“So what’re your here for?” She asked bluntly, picking at her spaghetti with the flimsy plastic forks they provided. Apparently the patients weren’t to be trusted with metal.

“This your first stay here? Not really a question you ask.”

“Yeah, it is. Isn’t it yours?” He raised his eyebrows and looked down at his food, so she continued. “I saw you when you arrived, though, and I got curious. That was like two weeks ago and this is the first time I’ve seen you.”

“That doesn’t look like a two-week old wound,” Ben remarked, nodding at her wrists.

She pulled her sweater further toward her hands. “That’s because that only happened last weekend, when I went home to see, uh... my family.”

“So then what are you here for?” He leaned across the table, his eyes taking in her thin face and overall frame. “Eating disorder?”

The girl frowned. “Is it that obvious?”

“Sort of. But I’m observant.” Ben twirled a piece of spaghetti on his fork and then set it back on his tray without eating it.

“Well, now that you know mine, I should know yours. You were restrained to the bed; it must be something pretty exciting.”

“You seem far too cheerful for someone who just attempted suicide,” Ben remarked. “I don’t even know your name, why would I be telling you”—he wrinkled his nose—“my _condition_?”

“Well. I’m Rey. There we go, all sorted.”

“My name is Ben Solo, and I have schizophrenia,” Ben deadpanned.

Rey gaped at him. “Wait, really? Oof, that’s a scary one.”

“I daresay only people who are dangerous to either themselves or others reside here,” Ben mused in a bored tone.

“And which one are you?”

“I’m here because I tried to kill my father. Take that as you will.”

Rey’s eyes widened only very slightly, and Ben couldn’t help but be impressed by how impassively she had taken that. “So where have you been these last couple weeks?”

“Recovering. Getting psychiatric evaluations. I’m not sure, really. Staring at the wall trying to figure out what’s reality and what’s in my mind.”

Rey huffed our a breath. “Makes my problems seem ridiculous.”

“Yours are placed on you by society, mine are placed on me by a bad flip of the genetic coin.” Ben nodded at her tray. “If your problems aren’t a big deal, then why aren’t you eating?”

Rey frowned, looking down at her food. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you do.” Ben’s lips twitched into something vaguely reminiscent of a smile. “You came and spoke to me.”

Rey inhaled deeply. “Right. Let’s kick this ED in the butt.” She shoved a forkful of spaghetti into her mouth and gestured at Ben’s plate, a question in her eyes.

“Aripiprazole makes me nauseous.”

Rey swallowed. “And that’s what you’re on?”

“Amongst other things.”

“You should tell them. They’d switch it out, I’m sure.”

“I have. It’s been documented in me in the past. But they can’t very well take me off of it, so they’re keeping me on it until I, quote unquote, ‘stabilize’, then they’ll try something else. Until then...” Ben shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“What kind of schizophrenia do you have? Do you, like, see things? Or hear things?”

Ben smoothed out his wavy black hair. “I don’t... feel like I’m crazy?”

“But we’re all mad here,” Rey laughed. “Alice in Wonderland quote. You know.”

“It’s just that nobody _understands_ us,” Ben went on. “There _was_ someone in my head, controlling my thoughts, who made me want to kill my father. That wasn’t just my mind. It wasn’t. I’m sure it wasn’t.” He blinked at Rey. “But you’ll say it was.”

Rey stared at him. “Oh.”

“Oh, what?”

“I didn’t expect that you’d still think you’re _right_ after you’re on meds.”

Ben stabbed at a meatball harder than was necessary, causing his flimsy plastic fork to snap. He threw it down on the tray and pushed it aside, setting his hands on the table instead and picking at his nails.

“Sorry,” Rey said suddenly. “I didn’t mean to imply that you’re crazy.”

“I probably am,” Ben murmured. “So don’t worry about it, I guess.”

“You’re kinda contradicting yourself here.”

“I know that something’s wrong with me,” Ben said after a moment’s hesitation. “But even after getting on the meds again for this long, it’s kind of hard to... fiction and reality, you know? Sort of melded into one. I’m not quite there yet.”

“So you _don’t_ believe what you just said?”

“No, I...” Ben placed his head in his hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know my own mind right now.” He looked up with a small smile. “At least I know now that thinking that being divinely chosen as the Supreme Leader of this race is an absolute delusion.”

Rey raised her eyebrows, taking a bite of her garlic bread and speaking with her mouth full. “You thought that?”

“Maybe. I’m kind of a mess, as you may have noticed.”

“Hey, at least you’ve got a real medical condition to explain it away. I’m just an idiot who chose to nearly starve herself to death.”

“Still a mental condition.” Ben nodded at her tray. “And good job.”

Rey looked at her empty tray in surprise. “I ate all that?”

“Small victories,” Ben replied with a one-shoulder shrug.

“I’m going to get so fat,” Rey groaned, “if you keep distracting me enough for me to eat.”

“Honestly, it’d be an improvement on your current state,” Ben snorted. “You at least got a bit of color back after eating.”

“I did?” Rey frowned.

“If you go throw that up, I will _find_ you,” Ben told her firmly. “You’ll look beautiful with some extra weight on you, okay? Don’t feel guilty for your recovery. We’ve all got feelings we have to shove away in this place.”

Rey gave him a small smile before pulling her sleeve up to glance at her wrist, then frowning when she saw the thick bandage wrapped there. Ben raised his eyebrows and glanced at the cafeteria’s clock. “It’s 12:53.”

“You haven’t got a watch?”

“I’m not allowed to have one. Something about them being concerned about the ticking...” he waved vaguely at his head as he stood up, grabbing his tray. “I guess we both have places to be at 1:00.”

“Yep. Counseling.”

“More psychiatric evaluations for me,” Ben sighed. “Good luck on the counseling.”

“Yeah, well, I hope your evaluations go well and they put you on something that makes you feel better. I’ll see you around, Ben.”

Ben tilted his head and stared at her as she walked off. _Curious._ He couldn’t help but feel some relief in that at least he had an ally.

***

“Where’s dad?” Ben leaned back in the plastic chair, staring at his mother. The hospital had finally decided Ben was stable enough for her to visit, under supervision of course, and now they were sitting in a room with the psychiatrist watching in the corner.

It felt rather prison-like, really.

“They didn’t want him to visit yet,” Leia responded in her somewhat deep, gravelly voice. “Considering all that happened the last time you saw him.”

“Is he afraid of me?” His voice sounded small, he knew, and yet he couldn’t help it.

“He understands that you didn’t mean it.”

“I did, though.” Ben tilted his head.

“You were confused, Ben.”

“I felt rather clear-headed, really. I wish people would stop acting like I’ve been living in confusion.”

Leia sighed heavily. “Stop fighting me, Ben. We’re trying to help you.”

“You told me you wouldn’t send me back here.”

“You know we had to. If you actually did hurt someone, you could be imprisoned, or institutionalized, for life. You know that.”

“At least I’d be out of your hair then.” Ben gave her a smirk, and Leia frowned. “You never were comfortable with me being who—what—I am. Have you told your employees about the fact that your son is institutionalized currently?”

Leia sighed again, tucking a grey strand of hair that had fallen from the near bun she kept it in behind her ear. “You have to understand, son, that as a senator, I can’t have scandal, I can’t afford to—“

“Have a schizophrenic son,” Ben finished, crossing his arms. “Is that why you were so reluctant to notice that I even had it?”

“I regret not taking you more seriously every day, Ben. But I did try. You said you were having trouble focusing, and I got you a tutor. I thought maybe you were just trying to get attention.”

“Maybe I needed more of that,” Ben interjected.

“I blame myself already, Ben. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.” There were a couple minutes of silence before Leia spoke again. “It isn’t so bad here, is it?”

“I feel like I’m in a prison. Or maybe some sort of crazy boarding school. That’s what Rey likened it to.”

“Who is Rey?”

“Someone who talks to me occasionally,” Ben said reluctantly.

“Does he know what your condition is?”

Ben frowned. “ _She_ doesn’t define me by that. Unlike someone I know.”

“Is that wise?”

“What, to be around me?” Ben snorted. “Probably not.”

“Ben, no. I mean to be getting to know a girl.”

Ben raised his eyebrows. “Now you don’t want me to talk to people?”

“Well—but a _girl_.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I said she talks to me, not that I’m dating her.”

“Good, because I hardly think your mental health is good enough for—“

“Yes, okay, I get it.” Ben slumped in his chair again and glared at her. “I shouldn’t ever look at a girl because I’m schizophrenic.”

“Stop saying that like it’s a life sentence, Ben.”

“What, are you expecting a cure?” Ben laughed harshly. “It _is_ a life sentence.”

“I mean, if you stay on your meds—“

“The medication makes me feel sick and tired, which messes with my concentration. I’m never going to be normal, mom.”

“Is that why you look so thin?”

“I guess.”

“We’re looking into different options,” the psychologist called from where he was monitoring the conversation. Ben wondered if he was taking notes; if what he was saying would be spoken about at length later.

“Point is, I’ll never have a normal job or a normal life,” Ben continued. “I’ll never be the perfect child you wanted.”

“Ben, I love you for who you are,” Leia tried, reaching her hand across the table. Ben looked at it, part of him itching to take it and on other part stopping him from doing so.

He looked away instead, not wanting her to see the sudden tears in his eyes. “You don’t. You wish I didn’t have this.”

“I want you to be happy. I’d take this condition away from you in a heartbeat, but that doesn’t mean I don’t accept you even for it.” Ben didn’t reply, and there were a couple minutes of silence before Leia looked at her watch. “I’ve got somewhere to be at 6:00.”

“I’ve got dinner,” Ben replied. “Not that I’m hungry.”

“Then why go?” Leia asked. “Do they make you?”

Ben shook his head. “Rey won’t eat if I’m not there.”

“What’s she in for?”

“Eating disorder, depression. Attempted suicide,” Ben replied emotionlessly.

“I think it’s great that you’re wanting to help her,” Leia began slowly.

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming,” Ben interrupted. “Look, mom. I’m not some supreme leader of mankind but surely the fact that I believed I was is a sign that I’m here for something? To work hard to fight what I have and to help others? Get some good out of this whole situation.”

Leia gave him a strange look. “I guess that’s one way to look at something.”

“Don’t argue with him on that point,” the psychologist murmured. “It’s a positive one.”

“I can hear you,” Ben said flatly. “Everyone really does think I’m nuts, don’t they? You know I’m quite capable of thinking.”

“You’ve got a high IQ,” the psychologist noted. “So I’m not stupid enough to think you aren’t smart.”

Ben stood up, and Leia jumped up too, startled by his movement. Ben frowned. “You are afraid of me.”

“You startled me, that’s all.”

“I need to get to dinner,” Ben said awkwardly.

“Right. I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“Uh huh.” Ben stepped toward her, glancing toward the psychiatrist in a question, and he nodded, prompting Ben to open his arms for a hug.

Leia shied away from it slightly, and a side-hug was all Ben got.

***

“Hey, are you okay?” Rey looked at Ben as he sat down next to her. “You look upset.”

“Family visit,” Ben admitted quietly.

“Ooh, yeah, I’ve heard those can be hard.”

“My mom’s both disappointed and afraid of me, so yeah. Hard.”

“Just be glad you’ve got a family,” Rey sighed.

“You don’t?”

“I grew up in foster care,” Rey told him, making a face.

“You said you went home the other weekend to visit family.”

“Yeah, well, we found a long-lost uncle of mine recently. I’ve lived with him for the last year. It’s been hard, though. A lot of change in my life.”

“I get that,” Ben murmured, cutting a bite off of the piece of chicken on his tray. 

“You’re actually hungry today?”

“No. Are you?”

“Same old,” she sighed. “Hungry, but I don’t want food.”

Ben hummed in response, then jumped as a nurse suddenly sat down next to him. “Sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to let you know that we’re wanting you to try taking your medication with your food—so I thought I’d give it to you now.”

“I’m not hungry,” Ben protested.

“This schedule might help with that, though. Just try to eat something after taking your meds and see how that works.” She handed him a medicine cup filled with several pills, and a glass of milk. Ben sighed before accepting the medication and tossing it down with the milk. 

“Am I allowed to walk in the gardens tonight?” Ben asked suddenly as he handed the empty glass and medicine cup back to the nurse.

“Yes, I don’t see why not. They’re open and supervised tonight.”

She left shortly after, and Ben turned to see Rey watching him with interest. He shrugged and stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork. “I was wondering if you’d like to go for a walk after dinner.”

“Why?” Rey regarded him suspiciously. “You don’t strike me as the strolling type.”

“You don’t really know me,” Ben pointed out. 

“I know that you’re slightly withdrawn, you don’t love people, and you don’t wear your emotions on your sleeve, but you’re really surprisingly caring. And a bit confused.”

“I have trouble expressing my emotions due to the disorder,” Ben corrected her. “I used to be different.”

“You mean you haven’t always had schizophrenia?”

“It started when I was sixteen.” Ben turned his head suddenly to stare at his arm, then glanced back at Rey in confusion.

Rey blinked back at him. “Are you okay?”

“Is there something on my arm?”

Rey leaned over to look more closely as Ben turned slightly toward her. “Nope. I don’t see anything.”

Ben swore under his breath, and Rey frowned. “Are you okay?” Ben shrugged a shoulder and put a forkful of chicken in his mouth. “Why, do you see or feel something on your arm?”

He swallowed. “Yes. Eat your food, Rey. I’m eating even though I feel nauseous. You can do it, too.” 

Rey sighed and began eating reluctantly. After a couple bites, she looked up at Ben, her brow furrowed. “So if you’re still having these hallucinations or whatever, why are you even on medication?”

“It takes about six weeks to actually start working 100%.” He rubbed his arm, grimacing. “You’re sure there’s nothing there?”

Rey reached out and covered the spot with her palm. “Nothing there, see?”

Ben stared at her hand, his mouth half-open, until finally she retracted it. “Sheesh, you act like you haven’t been touched in years.”

 _I haven’t, not really. Not in a tender sort of way._ Ben cleared his throat and continued forcing down some food. He stopped after about ten minutes, and put his fork down with a grimace.

“Are you okay?” Rey asked. “You look a bit pale.”

“This was a bad idea,” Ben replied, before standing up and rushing off to the bathroom.

***

“Are you sure you feel okay enough for this?” Rey asked, pulling her light brown leather jacket tighter around herself. It wasn’t cold out here in the gardens, not really, but a stiff breeze lent a chill to the evening air.

“Sometimes I used to dream I’d be an astronaut. I imagine all kids did,” Ben replied, as if that was the right answer to her question. He looked up at the cloudy sky. “Pity we can’t see the stars tonight.”

“Uh, why are we talking about stars now?” Rey blinked at him, then shrugged, kicking at a pebble on the ground as they walked. “I think you’re right; every kid goes through a phase of wanting to be an astronaut. There’s something fascinating about all those stars, billions of light years away. Of course, it’s also kind of depressing when you realize how small you are in the world. I’ve had some existential crises just from looking at the stars. Have you?”

“What?”

“Existential crisis. Have you had one? Have you been paying any attention to everything I’ve just been saying? Hello? Earth to Ben?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So? Can you answer my question?”

“What were you talking about?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Just having a hard time concentrating with this stupid sound.” He gestured at the air around them.

“What sound?”

“That high-pitched ringing sound.” Rey stared at Ben, and his eyes suddenly widened slightly. “I—I’m tired. I should probably go get some sleep.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Rey murmured back, taking a careful step away from him.

A nurse came up to them then, clearly noticing the sudden discomfort in their postures. “Is everything alright over here?”

Ben nodded slowly. “Can—can you take me back to my room?”

“Of course. Are you feeling okay?”

Ben turned halfway back to Rey. “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.”

Rey nodded. “Bye.”

The nurse began to walk off with Ben, and he frowned. “I—I’m hearing things again.”

“I’ll notify the psychologist as soon as I can,” the nurse reassured him. “What are your symptoms right now?”

“Um—can’t concentrate. I’m hearing this high-pitched ringing sound and I felt something on my arm earlier—“

“Calm down, Ben, it’s okay. You’re safe, alright?”

Ben nodded, trying to clamp down on his sudden fear as they neared his room.

***

_”Dad!” Ben walked quickly to greet his father at the airport, giving him a quick hug and smiling as he saw his father smile in that crooked way of his and ruffle his son’s shaggy black hair._

_“Aren’t you getting big?”_

_“Dad, I’m sixteen. I’m not a kid anymore.” Ben couldn’t help but smile even as he chastised his father. “It’s good to have you back.”_

_“It is,” Leia agreed, stepping in and giving Han a hug and a kiss in greeting. “It’s been too long.”_

_“Only a month since the last weekend,” Han protested as they headed toward the car. Soon they were all settled in the car, and Leia drove as Han talked to Ben._

_“So I heard you’ve got an essay coming up?”_

_Ben groaned. “Don’t remind me.”_

_“Your mom told me that your grades have been dropping, so I thought maybe I could help you on this one.”_

_“School’s just hard,” Ben said unhappily._

_“Why are you finding it challenging? You were doing really well last year.”_

_“Last year_ he _wasn’t there,” Ben huffed. “I can’t concentrate when he’s talking to me all the time.”_

_“Is someone distracting you? Are you being bullied? Who is he, someone who sits next to you?”_

_Ben frowned, focusing on the voice that even spoke to him now._ He doesn’t understand. Silly boy. _“Behind me. He’s always behind me.”_

_“I’ll talk to your teachers about it, okay?”_

_Ben frowned again, feeling a little confused. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”_

_“Of course it is,” Han said cheerfully. “Any problem with someone distracting you can be resolved by getting the teachers to move you away. It won’t be a problem anymore, I promise.”_

_Part of Ben wanted to protest, to tell him that wait, but the man was always with him, always speaking to him—it wasn’t just at school, he didn’t_ understand _, but he stopped himself. To say that would make him sound crazy, that much he knew, even if he also was equally sure that he wasn’t crazy. Ben sighed, rubbing his fingers against his temples._

 _At least that kept the voice quiet, if only for a moment.  
_  
***

The room was dark, and Ben had his knees pulled up toward his chest as he crouched in a fetal position on his bed. “I need you to talk to me,” the psychologist said gently from where he was sitting calmly next to Ben. “If I can understand what you’re thinking, I can better help you.”

“He won’t shut up,” Ben whimpered, pressing his forehead against his knees. _Kill yourself,_ the voice urged. _You’re obviously not cut out to be Supreme Leader. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Just do it._

There was a knock on the door, and Ben jumped. “They’re trying to kill me,” he whispered.

“They’re not. It’s probably just one of the nurses,” the psychiatrist said gently. “Here, let me get it. You’ll see, no one wants to harm you.”

He opened the door, and Ben squeezed his eyes shut against the light that filtered in from the passageway. “Hello,” a tentative voice said. “I, uh, wanted to check on Ben. Is he okay? He wasn’t at breakfast.”

Ben lifted his head from his knees at the sound of her voice. The psychiatrist started replying to her as Ben slowly got off of the bed. “We had to take him off of his medication,” the psychiatrist was saying. “We need to find a better fit, but unfortunately we have to have this one out of his system completely first.”

Ben crept up behind the psychiatrist. “Rey?”

Rey gave him a wide-eyed look. “Uh, hi.”

The psychiatrist turned to look at Ben with some surprise. “Do you want her to come in?”

“I missed you,” Ben said suddenly. “I wanted to see you. You know when the rain clears and there’s a rainbow in the blue sky? Yeah.”

“She’s like that rainbow to you?” The psychiatrist asked, somehow not sounding at all judgmental.

“I used to go hiking with my mom,” Ben continued suddenly. “When Dad was away. Crisp cool autumn air and my thoughts were still.”

“Would you mind coming in for a moment, Rey?”

Rey fidgeted awkwardly at the door. “Is... is it safe?”

“He’s perfectly safe right now, don’t worry.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you,” Ben told her, before his attention seemed to flicker away. “He wants me to. But I won’t. On a journey—like riding donkeys in the olden days, up a mountain. Across those steep narrow cliffs? In the documentaries. Like, um, Grand Canyon.” He stopped, wrinkling his nose. “I—where was I?”

“We’re on a journey,” Rey prompted, finally stepping into the room and flipping on the light. Ben blinked but didn’t protest it for a change.

“Yes, to—recovery. I guess. Did you eat this morning?”

The psychiatrist looked at them with interest as Rey responded. “A bit. But you weren’t there to eat with.”

Ben made an expression that was almost a smile. “There. You’re wrong. I don’t kill myself because she needs me to eat with her.”

“Is the voice telling you to kill yourself?” The psychiatrist asked.

“Repeatedly,” Ben nodded.

“Wait, you’ve got a literal voice in you’d heard telling you to kill yourself?”

“Yes.”

Rey stepped a bit closer. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“I can’t sleep. He won’t let me sleep.”

Rey glanced hesitantly at the psychiatrist, who nodded. She sat down cautiously next to Ben, who had resumed sitting on the bed, although now he was cross-legged instead of in fetal position. “You won’t always feel like this, okay? Don’t let him get to you.”

“It’s hard to ignore him,” Ben whispered.

“I’m right here. You don’t have to fight this alone.”

Ben blinked at her. “Neither do you.”

Rey cautiously placed her hand on the bed halfway between her and Ben, palm facing upward. He hesitated before slowly reaching out and so, so nervously, taking her hand in his own.

Her hand felt good in his, small and soft and totally dwarfed by his much larger hand. It felt comforting, it felt calming, and for a moment at least, the voice stopped, and he just let himself dwell in that brief respite from the rest of the world.

***

_Han tapped on the door of Ben’s room before turning the handle, wincing as he stepped in and was bombarded by loud rock music. “Please turn that down. How can you hear yourself think with that music on?”_

__I can’t. That’s the point, _Ben thought, but said nothing as he scowled and paused the music. The sudden silence in the room was quickly filled with the sound of voices._

 __He doesn’t really care about you. Don’t be fooled by that sweet facade. He’s abandoned you this long. _“What is it?” Ben asked his father._ Tell him to leave. You don’t want him here.

_Ben frowned and shot back at the voice. _You don’t know what I want.__

__Oh, I do. I know what you want, what you _need_ , better than you do._ _

__

__

_Han smiled at him, impervious to the argument going on in his son’s head. “I thought maybe we could work on that essay of yours.”_

_“I’m sixteen, Dad. I can write an essay by myself.”_ If these voices would just shut up for a while. 

_Han held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I just wanted to hear about it. What’s the topic?”_

_Stop talking to him. You could take him in a fight, you know. You know you could. You’re almost taller than him now._

Shut up. Please. _”The forced colonialism of natives. We’re choosing two countries and comparing the displacement of the natives, the methods for each area.”_ As if any of that matters.

__

__

_“Sounds interesting. Have you chosen your countries yet?”_

Your teacher has obviously been telling him you’re a failure. 

That’s your fault, _Ben shot back._

____Do you really have the strength to fight me on this right now?__

___  
_ _ _

Please. Don’t do this. Let me talk to my Dad.

Kill yourself. You’ll never live up to your true potential anyway. 

_And what is that? Who are you, anyway?_

_”Ben?” Han prompted, and Ben’s mind raced, trying to remember what he was supposed to be answering._

_“I prefer math than history,” he said finally, his brain jumping to and latching onto the subject._

_“Why are you changing the subject?” Han asked, frowning. “I can help you, Ben. But not if you won’t let me.”_

Or you can let me help you. Lead you to your destiny. You can become powerful. 

_“What is my destiny?” Ben murmured, and Han blinked at him._

_“I don’t know that we have destinies, son. But getting through school is something we all have to do.” Han shifted a little closer to Ben, putting a hand on his arm. “Okay, we don’t have to talk about the essay now. Look, I called one of your teachers and mentioned that you were having trouble focusing because of the kid behind you talking to you all the time. She told me you sat in the back row of the classroom.”_

_Ben looked at his hands. “There’s no kid distracting me.”_

_“Then why did you tell me there is?”_

_“I... I didn’t want to worry you.” Ben looked up, and startled violently as he saw a figure in a dark robe standing in the corner of the room. He shrank next to his dad. “He’s here,” he said, panic evident in his voice._

_“Who is?” Han stared at his son, then at the wall where Ben was looking. “There’s nothing there, Ben.”_

_Ben’s eyes widened, and he quickly shifted away from his father. “Sorry. Just—uh, just a shadow.”_

I’m no shadow, _the figure told him._ You know that. 

I do, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t see you. 

No. He hasn’t been blessed with the same ability as you have. You’re drawn to me, you see. To the darkness. 

I’m not! 

_Ben snapped back to reality to see Han staring at him. “Son, are you alright?”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Are you seeing things?”_

Yes. _”No. I’m just tired.”_

_Han’s eyes softened. “Leia mentioned you’ve been having trouble sleeping. Maybe we should try putting you on some sleep medicine and see if that helps with your focus.”_

He’ll never be able to help you, you know. You’re not normal. 

Killing yourself is the only way to stop this. 

Or you could always kill him. Give in to that darkness. 

_“Shut up,” Ben whispered._

_“What was that?” Han asked._

_Ben shook his head. “Nothing. Sleep would be good.”_

_His father didn’t have to know that his son wasn’t normal. Not yet.  
_  
*** 

__Ben’s eyes flew open, and he scrambled to alertness, only to feel a warm hand in his and the quiet voice of the psychiatrist speaking soothingly to him. “Everything is okay, Ben. What are you feeling, hearing, seeing right now?”_ _

__Ben blinked. “Did you leave a tap on? I hear running water.”_ _

__“No, I’m afraid you’re imagining that, Ben. Anything else?”_ _

__“He’s still there,” Ben whispered, after a quick glance to the corner of the room._ _

__“Is he saying anything?”_ _

__Ben frowned, focusing on the question, but finding the world blessedly silent save for the running water. “No.”_ _

__“Good. You’re okay, Ben.”_ _

__Ben sighed and leaned against the headboard of the bed, his messy, slightly greasy hair falling around his face. “Why does this happen to me?” He whispered._ _

__“It’s just part of your condition, Ben. But we can help you.”_ _

__“No, why—why do I have it? Why do I have schizophrenia? Why am I so unlucky? Is it genetic?”_ _

__“You seem rather cognizant right now; do you want to actually talk about this?”_ _

__Ben nodded. “I feel... clear-headed.”_ _

__“Well, to answer your question—it does have a genetic component, although that may also not be the cause.”_ _

__Ben glanced next to him as he felt the hand in his twitch slightly, and stared into Rey’s eyes, slightly surprised she was still here. She gently smoothed a stand of hair out of his face._ _

__“We have found a strong correlation to childhood trauma,” the psychiatrist went on, his voice carefully casual._ _

__Ben tensed, and Rey frowned, moving her thumb in soothing circles on Ben’s hand. “It’s okay,” she murmured._ _

__“That makes sense,” Ben said after a long pause._ _

__“You said your parents often focused on their work rather than you, right? Do you see that as a sort of trauma?”_ _

__Ben shook his head slowly. “That’s rejection.” His eyes flickered over to the figure in the corner of the room. “They tried. They just didn’t see it. Any of it.”_ _

__“You mean they didn’t catch your schizophrenia symptoms at first?”_ _

__“Mom and dad would sometimes have to both go away on business, when I was younger,” Ben murmured, staring at the wall ahead of him._ _

__“How old were you then?”_ _

__“Started around age eight. They left me with a... family friend, I suppose. Somehow related to us, although I never could figure out how. My grandfather’s friend’s son, maybe he was.”_ _

__“What was his name?”_ _

__“Snoke. He was a veteran; he had been badly burned in the war. He was quite disfigured... I think maybe I liked him when I was little. I liked his stories.” He shook his head slowly. “They all thought he was a hero. They thought I was safe with him, and I just... let him.”_ _

__“Let him do what? Did he hurt you?”_ _

__“He... touched me. Made me touch him.” Ben took his hand away from Rey’s and stared at them both, shaking slightly._ _

__“He sexually abused you?”_ _

__Ben nodded, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I didn’t understand, I was young... he was disfigured, but really strong. He’d hurt me if I fought back. He was just so strong.”_ _

__“We’re not blaming you, Ben. We understand.”_ _

__“It went on until I was 14, and I realized that I couldn’t keep living like that, always in fear of him.”_ _

__“No one else knew?”_ _

__Ben shook his head. “I didn’t want them to know. Or he didn’t, and convinced me I didn’t either. Until I was fourteen and wise enough to realize that I needed to tell someone.”_ _

__“So did you?”_ _

__Ben didn’t answer for a long time. “I called him,” he said finally. “Told him I was done keeping it a secret. He threatened me, told me I was stupid, and I... I said I didn’t care. He could kill me, I didn’t care. I just wanted everyone to stop seeing him as a hero, as some sort of... god-like figure.” He went quiet again, and the psychologist nodded for him to continue. There was another long pause, then a deep breath before Ben looked up at the psychiatrist. “I was going to share the news the next day, but before I could... we learned that he was dead. Suicide. I thought I had caused it. I did, I suppose. Maybe He did it for me.”_ _

__“Who?”_ _

__“The voice. Maybe he killed him. Made it look like suicide.”_ _

__“More likely, he was afraid of being found out, and killed himself,” Rey said, raising an eyebrow._ _

__“Maybe,” Ben said, sounding doubtful. “That’s what I thought at first. But then the voices started, a couple years later, and they talked about him.”_ _

__“Did you ever tell anyone?” Rey asked._ _

__Ben shook his head. “There was a big funeral I had to go to. It was disgusting. Veterans who hadn’t even known him came to pay their respects. The priest talked about PTSD, how many soldiers committed suicide each year. They all saw him as a hero,” he spat. “And only I knew that he was a _monster_.”_ _

__The room fell silent, and then Ben spoke again in a whisper. “And the shadow keeps telling me _I’m_ becoming one, too.”_ _

__***_ _

_Ben crept down the staircase, listening to his parents talk in the lounge below. He kept his footsteps quiet, forcing away the noise in his mind as he focused, hard, on hearing what his parents were saying._

_Han was speaking. “How long has he been like this, Leia? I swear he sounds like a crazy person.”_

_“Just a couple of months. I’ve tried to tell you,” she replied. “But it’s been hard for even me to get enough time to take better note of what’s going on. I thought maybe it was ADHD or something. I got him a tutor. I’ve tried.”_

_“You should have seen him earlier. He kept zoning out of the conversation, then jumping back in with a total non-sequitur. He seemed almost... afraid.”_

_“I don’t know what to do about it.”_

_“I think we need to get him to talk to us,” Han sighed. “He’s hiding whatever he’s dealing with from us. Something just isn’t right.”_

_Ben walked down the stairs then, no longer bothering to be quiet. He moved past his parents in the living room and stepped into the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of milk as he heard Leia call out to him. “Sweetie? Can we talk for a minute?”_

_Ben stepped into the doorway to the living room, leaning against the doorframe reluctantly. “What is it?”_

_“Why don’t you come here and sit down?” Han suggested, gesturing to the couch. Ben slowly moved over there, sitting reluctantly and somewhat stiffly. He took a sip of his milk, focusing on the sweetish, creamy flavor to ground himself._

_“Sweetie, is there anything you want to tell us?” Leia asked. “Anything that’s bothering you?”_

_Ben frowned. “Since when would you care about what’s bothering me?”_

_“Ben,” Han said sharply. “That isn’t fair. Your mother works hard to provide for you. So do I.”_

_Ben inhaled deeply, looking into the darkness outside the window and looking away quickly when he saw a dark figure lurking there. His thoughts were noisy, but this time filled with the unintelligible chatter of a crowd of people. This was background noise Ben could deal with more easily, and he exhaled deeply, glad for the reprieve. “I don’t have anything to tell you.”_

_“We want to help you, Ben. And this whole sleeping and focus issue you’re having—we’re thinking maybe the two issues are related. Maybe you’ve got a little bit of ADHD or something. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of help.”_

_Tears came to Ben’s eyes, and he blinked rapidly. “I’m being torn apart.”_

_“Let me help you,” Han pleaded._

_Ben shook his head. “It’s not your problem. You can’t fix it. He won’t let you—I don’t want to bother you.”_

_“Who won’t let us help you?” Leia leaned forward in her chair._

_“I should just kill myself. He keeps telling me to kill myself.” Ben was crying openly now, and Han moved to sit next to him, pulling him close._

_“Who is telling you this? We love you, Ben. We need you here.”_

_“The voice,” Ben finally admitted in a shaky exhale. “It follows me everywhere, but it’s not really there, I look around and there’s no one so he must be speaking directly to my head—it’s him, or just... sound, people screaming and no one else can hear it—“_

_Both of his parents were staring at him now, crying out their own subdued exclamations. “How long has this been going on?”_

_“I don’t know,” Ben said miserably. “A couple of months. I can’t think. I can’t hear myself think. My thoughts are everywhere.”_

_“We’re booking an appointment with a psychiatrist first thing in the morning,” Leia said firmly. “It’ll be okay, Ben. You’ll be okay. I’m sorry we never pressed you on it sooner.”_  
  
*** 

“He’s back on medication,” the psychiatrist told Rey as he opened Ben’s door to her the next morning. “I’m just checking on him, because the medication takes a while to start taking effect, but he’s a lot more stable today. I’ll get a nurse to do periodic checks, but for now, I think he’s okay to be by himself.” 

Ben listened from behind the door of his bathroom, and quickly opened the door as he heard Rey come in. He was only half-dressed, wearing a pair of black sweatpants and holding a black long-sleeved shirt, and Rey blinked at him before quickly glancing away. 

“Hello, Rey. I’m surprised you came back.” 

“Uh, put your shirt on.” 

The psychiatrist chuckled. “Well, I’m off. I’ve got some other patients to see to. If you’re going to stay, Rey, I’ll get some breakfast sent down for both of you.” 

“That’d be nice,” Ben said, looking at Rey. “If you want to stay a little while. I would like to talk to you.” 

“Yeah, sure,” she said, nodding. 

“If you need me, feel free to press the call button,” the psychiatrist told them. “Be good, you two.” He left the room, and Ben hesitated before walking over and sitting on the bed, tossing his shirt aside. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I’m sorry if any of that was weird to you.” 

“Do you remember it?” Rey asked slowly, carefully, as she cautiously sat next to him. 

“Yes, there’s no disruption in my memory.” 

“How’s your head today?” 

“It just feels like a good day, really. I’m hearing something like a crowd of people talking all at once. White noise.” 

“That’s a good day? Isn’t a good day silent?” 

“No, that’s a fully medicated day,” Ben said with a small chuckle. He ran his hand through his damp hair. “It’ll take up to six weeks to get there. But I’m already feeling better.” He hesitated. “Listen, what I said about Snoke—“ 

Rey looked away quickly. “Let’s not talk about that. Not yet.” 

“Did that trigger you?” Ben eyed her long sleeved sweater suspiciously before reaching out and taking her arm. She let him roll up the sleeve slightly, and he frowned at the scars that littered the skin above her still heavily-bandaged wrists. “I wondered if you were a cutter.” 

“It’s just... the subject of abandonment...” She stopped. “Please. I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“Then I’m impressed you held it together yesterday,” Ben murmured. “But we can discuss that later.” 

“I don’t know that I did,” Rey murmured. “But you weren’t really paying attention.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” She shook her head roughly, and a minute passed before she spoke again, her tone teasing. “So I’m your rainbow.” 

The tips of Ben’s ears, poking out from under his damp hair, turned bright red. “Er. Bad analogy.” 

“Hey, I’m glad if I seem like a ray of sunshine in this dark place,” Rey snorted. “But the psychiatrist is telling me not to encourage you.” 

Ben frowned, standing up and drawing the curtains covering the small window in the room. “Interesting.” 

“That’s what you have to say about it?” Rey raised her eyebrows. “I kind of thought you’d tell me—“ 

She was cut off by a tap on the door, and Ben turned around with a questioning expression before walking to the door and taking a tray from a nurse. He sat on the bed and pushed a plate with a breakfast burrito on it to Rey. “You thought I’d say what?” 

Rey shrugged, staring down at her food. “Never mind.” 

Ben took a bite of his own burrito, then stared at Rey as she just sat there, picking at the bandage covering her left wrist. “Eat, Rey.” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Rey...” 

“I’m not beautiful, Ben. No one loves me. No one’s ever wanted me. And it’s even surer that no one will ever want me if I’m fat.” 

Ben set down his food and blinked at her, feeling a stirring inside of him long held dormant. “You’re _gorgeous_ , Rey. My only complaint would be that you’re too thin, definitely not the other way around.” 

“I’m an orphan. No one wants me around. Even the uncle I’ve been staying with only begrudgingly accepts me. Because I help him fix cars.” 

“You just haven’t found your people yet.” 

“I’m almost 23, Ben,” Rey said in frustration. “The common denominator is me. No one wants me, and it’s my fault.” 

“I want you.” 

The admission was sudden, simple, and both Rey and Ben’s eyes widened as they both seemed to realize what he had just said. Ben rushed to correct himself. “I, um. I mean I want you around. I like you being here. I like your presence. I don’t, uh. Well, that is to say, I didn’t mean that I necessarily...” 

Rey tilted her head. “You don’t want me?” 

_Ah, screw it._ “I do want you. A lot.” 

Rey looked down shyly. “Why?” 

“Because you’re beautiful, you’re sweet, you’re so caring, and you’ve got this curiosity for the world and you’re so, so smart. And whenever you’re around, I just want to do whatever I can possibly do just to make you _happy_. The world isn’t done with you yet, Rey. And I want you—I _need_ you—to see that.” 

Rey stared at him, her mouth slightly open and those pink lips shining, and Ben was gripped with a suddenly almost uncomfortable desire to kiss her. “Make me see it, then,” Rey whispered, “Because I can’t see it on my own.” 

Ben glanced quickly toward the door, which, as per the rules, was slightly ajar, before quickly leaning over and grabbing Rey by the hips. She squeaked as he pulled her swiftly to straddle his hips, and pressed his lips against hers. 

Everything went silent. 

The only thing in his mind was the feeling of her lips against his, the softness of them and the sweet taste of the chapstick he hadn’t even noticed she had been wearing. He froze, then quickly pulled away as he heard footsteps approaching. 

Rey noticed too, and swore as she scrambled off of Ben’s lap. Not a moment later, a nurse stepped through the door with a bright smile. “Hello, just here to check on you two. Ben, the doctor wants to take a urine test, if you wouldn’t mind. I’ll drop off the container in a minute and you can give it back to me whenever you’re ready.” 

Ben huffed out a breath and nodded. “Okay, yeah. Can we finish eating, please?” 

“Of course.” The nurse left with another one of those bright smiles. 

Ben made a face. “Way to ruin the moment. Urine sample. Ugh.” 

Rey giggled, and Ben looked at her in surprise, feeling a small smile grow on his own face to see her looking so happy—happier than he had ever seen her. “Stupid fifteen minute checks. Do they run those on your part of the building?” 

“They lock me out of my room during the day,” Rey chuckled. “And I’m kind of considered a high-risk.” She held up her wrists with a wry smile. 

“Ah.” Rey suddenly reached out and grabbed Ben’s hands, turning them in her own to inspect his wrists. Ben shook his head at her. 

“Sorry. I just... wondered.” 

“I’ve contemplated it,” Ben admitted. “I know where my father keeps his gun and I’ve more than once walked over there and taken it out and held it to my head. But I never could bring myself to pull the trigger.” 

“So you wouldn’t... go this route?” She gestured to her wrist. 

Ben’s lips twitched. “You’re still here.” 

“You’re saying it’s not foolproof?” 

He nodded. “I’ve always felt like the ones who choose that route don’t really want to die.” 

“I don’t know about that.” 

Ben shrugged minutely. “Are you upset that you’re alive?” 

“Sometimes.” 

Ben took her hand. “I’m sorry. Sometimes you just seem so cheerful that it’s hard to believe you’re depressed.” 

“I’m not cheerful,” Rey chuckled quietly. “I’m just good at putting on that front. But I figured that I had this second chance. I’d be... remiss not to use it. At least, that’s... that’s what my therapist told me. And it made sense.” 

Ben stared at the corner of the room, blinking a few times, before finally shaking his head and looking back at Rey. “So that’s why you came and spoke to me that first day in the cafeteria.” 

“I’m glad I did,” she said softly. “You remind me that I’m not alone.” 

Ben squeezed her hand. “No. You’re not alone.” 

She offered him a small smile. “Neither are you.” 

The nurse walked in then, effectively ruining the moment. “I should be yelling at you for violating the no-touching rule,” she said with an eyebrow raised. “But I’ll let it slide. Just no hugging or anything.” 

Ben almost felt like laughing as he remembered their kiss from earlier. Instead, he just nodded, watching as the nurse set a urine sample cup in the bathroom. “What are you testing for, anyway?” Rey asked curiously, taking a tiny bite of her breakfast. 

“That I’m taking my meds,” Ben answered for her. 

Rey blinked at him. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah. I’ve got a bad track record on that score.” 

“Why would you not take them? Don’t you feel better when you’re on them?” 

“They’ve never worked very well, honestly,” Ben shrugged. “So what’s the point? And there were a couple side effects I didn’t like.” 

The nurse spoke up. “Well, that’s why we’ve finally put you on the clopazine. You’ve obviously got a drug-resistant schizophrenia. It’s the law that we have to try at least two other medications before we resort to the clopazine.” 

“Why’s that?” Rey asked, tilting her head. 

“It can be deadly,” Ben said calmly. “There’s some issue where it can lead to a decline in white blood cells.” 

“That’s one of them, yes,” the nurse said. “Also, it can cause a myocarditis, which is inflammation of the cardiac muscles, and can lead to a heart attack. We have to take regular blood tests to make sure that’s not going to be a problem.” 

Rey blinked. “Woah, that’s... scary.” 

Ben shrugged. “I’ve been wanting to get on clopazine for years. It apparently works very well. And I had some pretty... stupid side-effects on the other drugs, so what’s the difference, really?” 

“Um, how about that they’re not death?” Rey scrunched up her nose. “My antidepressants sound tame in comparison.” 

“They are,” Ben snorted. “My brain is a lot more messed up than yours.” 

“It’s just a different problem,” the nurse said gently. “Antidepressants and antipsychotics are very different medications, and unfortunately antipsychotics are less well developed. It doesn’t mean that either of your diseases are worse than the other.” 

Ben made a face at the word ‘diseases’. The nurse left the room after a few more words, and Ben got off of the bed. “I’m going to go pee. Eat that, would you?” 

Rey rolled her eyes. “Have fun peeing in the cup.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Ben snorted, closing the bathroom door behind him. He returned a couple minutes later to find Rey standing at his dresser, looking at something. He walked up behind her and put his hands gently on her hips, causing her to gasp in alarm and almost drop the bottle, which Ben could now see was his medication. “Sorry for scaring you.” 

“No, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, uh...“ 

“Get caught looking at my stuff?” Ben snorted. “It’s okay. What are you doing, though?” 

“I got scared of the side effects and came to read what the others were.” 

Ben huffed out a breath. “It’s really not your concern, Rey.” 

“It is,” she said, frowning. “You’re the only one who cares here. That means a lot.” 

Ben sighed. “Look, Rey, I’m not going to die on you. But you need to learn to be independent, too. You can’t always rely on me. During Christmas, for example, we’ll both get to go home for a few days.“ 

Rey looked away. “I don’t want to spend more time with my uncle.” 

“It’s important that you learn to be confident in yourself no matter the situation.” 

“You don’t understand,” Rey snapped. “He makes me feel so unwanted. I’d rather stay here than with him.” 

Ben hesitated. “It completely negates my argument here, but... I’ve got my own place. You can stay with me if it’s that fire a situation.” 

“You do?” She blinked at him. 

“Yeah, an apartment. It’s not big, but it’s something.” 

“You had a job?” 

“Of course I had a job. I worked at a library, which, by the way, is way too quiet for someone... like me. I listened to heavy metal music all day on my headphones.” 

“Do you still have the job?” 

“No. I quit.” 

“Why?” 

Ben huffed out a humorless laugh. “Because I had to go fulfill my destiny. It was shortly before...” he waved his hand vaguely. “All this.” 

“Oh.” Rey picked up her half-eaten burrito. “Man, schizophrenia does kinda ruin your life, doesn’t it?” 

“It has the capacity to,” Ben agreed slowly. “If you let it.” He blew out a slow breath, stealing a look at the corner of the room again. 

“You should turn on some more lights in here,” Rey told him. “Maybe then you won’t keep seeing shadows as mysterious figures.” 

“It’s a hallucination, not a trick of the light. And what makes you think I’m seeing anything?” 

“You keep glancing at the corner like you’re monitoring something. Don’t try to deny it.” 

“Have you ever considered that the doctor might be right? That you, um, shouldn’t encourage me?” 

Rey swallowed the last bite of her breakfast and gave him a half-smile. “I’m eating, thanks to you. I struggle to see knowing you as a bad thing.” She stood up. “Come on, I’ve got a craft activity I need to attend, and I bet it’s on your schedule too.” 

“My schedule is dependent on how I’m feeling today,” Ben corrected her. “But I guess we’ll go make some crafts with blunt scissors.” 

She laughed at that one, and Ben counted it as a personal victory. 

__***_ _

__“Dad.”_ _

__The words hung in the air as Ben slowly approached the table where his father was standing next to. He had scrambled from his chair when he had heard Ben approaching, and now they were both just staring at each other, frozen to the spot._ _

__“Hey,” Han finally said, flashing his son one of those sideways smiles. “I’m glad you decided to meet at lunch. It’s... nice.”_ _

__Ben attempted a smile, telling himself to relax as he set his tray down on the table and glanced around the cafeteria. “It feels like a freaking high school sometimes.”_ _

__Han sat down, and Ben followed suit. He looked around at the other patients and lowered his voice. “What’s up with the sixty year old guy over there?”_ _

__“Manic depressive. Trying to keep his marriage together after an episode, and agreed to spend some time in here.” Ben opened his milk and took a sip, glancing at the doorway._ _

__“Ah.” Han shifted uncomfortably. “You waiting for someone?”_ _

__Ben shrugged, then turned back to look at his dad. A few seconds of silence passed before Han spoke again. “So, how are you feeling?”_ _

__“Better, I guess. They put me on the Clozapine. But you probably knew that. You know, let’s...” He hesitated. “How is everything at home? What’s new?”_ _

__Han seemed to relax a little. “It’s been alright. I’ve almost got that old Mercedes in the garage all fixed up. Your mother is starting to schedule her next campaign, so that’s kept us busy. We miss you, though.”_ _

__“As if I was ever there very much anyway,” Ben said with a quick raise of his eyebrows._ _

__“You’d think that if they were so desperate for me to eat, they’d choose something more appealing than meatloaf,” a British-accented female voice said, and Ben couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him as Rey set her tray down and sat on the stool next to him._ _

__“It’s really not as bad as it looks,” he assured her._ _

__“You’re just saying that,” Rey huffed. She seemed to notice Han for the first time then. “Oh, hey, stranger. Why are you staring at me? You must be new. I’m Rey.”_ _

__“Uh, this is my dad,” Ben said quickly._ _

__“Oh.” Rey blinked. “Ohhh. Hello, nice to meet you. Should I, uh, move?”_ _

__“No, you’re fine here,” Han said quickly, reaching his hand across the table for her to shake. She did just that, smiling in a way that Ben noticed looked a little fake._ _

__“Unless you would rather sit elsewhere,” Ben said quietly._ _

__“Do you want me to?”_ _

__“Not really. But whatever you’re comfortable with.”_ _

__“Then I’m fine.” Rey opened her utensil packet and stabbed at the meatloaf with her floppy plastic fork. “How are we supposed to eat this without a knife?”_ _

__“Can I get you one?” Han offered, about to stand up._ _

__Rey’s gaze dropped quickly to her plate. “Uh.”_ _

__“There are none,” Ben informed his father. “Apparently we’re not to be trusted with even weak plastic knives.”_ _

__“I see.” Han settled back in his seat, looking a little uncomfortable. “So you two are friends, then?”_ _

__“I like to think so,” Rey said with a small smile. “Although I’m not sure Ben would admit it.”_ _

__Ben snorted. “I wouldn’t have let you know nearly as much as I’ve told you if you weren’t.”_ _

__“Anything you want to share with me?” Han asked tentatively._ _

__Ben shifted on the stool, taking another sip of milk before speaking, completely ignoring the question. “Are you taking good care of my apartment?”_ _

__Han immediately got a deer-in-the-headlights expression, and Ben almost expected the words before he said them. “Oh, uh, your mom and I thought it would be... for the best if you lived with us again for a little while.”_ _

__Ben stared at him, his mouth slightly open and anger in his eyes. “You cannot just make that decision for me! You sold it? Really?”_ _

__“I’m sorry, son, it’s just that we weren’t sure if you could handle...”_ _

__“I can handle myself fine!” Ben growled._ _

__“Honestly, the fact that you’re here tells otherwise.”_ _

__Ben’s shoulders slumped as the argument took hold. He stabbed at his meatloaf more violently than necessary. He noticed Rey’s eyes on him, and looked over at her and her untouched plate. “Hey, I’m sorry. You need to eat, Rey.”_ _

__She looked away. “I just ate. I don’t need six stupid meals a day.”_ _

__Ben’s eyes softened. “It won’t be so bad staying with your uncle.”_ _

__“It will!” Rey looked at him then, at Ben could see the tears in her eyes. “There’s a reason I tried to kill myself last time I was there.”_ _

__Ben exhaled deeply. “I know. But look, not eating won’t fix anything.”_ _

__“What’s the point?” She asked irritably. “If no one wants me.”_ _

__“Rey...” Ben sighed and turned back to his father, who looked a bit alarmed. “I’m sorry. She’s, uh...” he hesitated, biting his lip. “Could she maybe come stay with us during Christmas?”_ _

__“Your mom will be busy with the campaign,” Han told him. “We won’t be celebrating.”_ _

__“We never do,” Ben shrugged. “Look, she’s got nowhere to stay. I was going to offer her my apartment, but—“_ _

__Han raised his eyebrows. “Ben...”_ _

__Ben frowned. “We’re just friends.” _No, dad, I’ve totally never kissed her.__ _

__“It’s fine, really,” Rey interrupted. “I’ll just... stay here. Who knows if they’re even going to let me go, after last time.” Her gaze flickered to her wrists, which had recently had the bandages removed. She turned one over to look at the stitches, and Ben stared at them. He could never get used to the sight of those blue stitches around her pale skin, and all the surrounding self-harm scars littering the area._ _

__Ben turned back to his father and sighed before speaking. “So they’ve got me on weekly blood tests so that I don’t die on these meds. I know you were worried about that.”_ _

__“I’m glad to hear it,” Han said, visibly relieved to be off the subject of Rey. He watched with interest, however, as Ben grabbed her chocolate milk and opened it for her before shoving it toward her. She rolled her eyes and reluctantly started to drink. “Is it working?”_ _

__“It’s only been a week,” Ben said cautiously. “But, uh, yeah. You can probably tell. I’m still... hearing things every now and then, but it’s quieter, background noise.”_ _

__“More than the other ones helped?”_ _

__“A bit. Those worked at first. Um, I think the therapy is good too. I’m... feeling again.” Han nodded encouragingly, and Ben looked directly into his eyes for maybe the first time since he had arrived and then quickly looked down. “Dad, I... I’m sorry.”_ _

__Han gave him a gentle, skew smile. “I know. I know, Ben.”_ _

__“I thought I was doing the right thing, I don’t know, I was manipulated by, by...” Ben stammered slightly, suddenly realizing how idiotic his argument sounded. “My own mind, I guess.” He sighed and pushed his tray away to set his face in his hands. “I’m sorry. I must be such a disappointment to you.”_ _

__“You’re not,” Han said gently. “You’re always going to be the kid who enjoyed tinkering with cars with me. We’ve still got work to do, kid, if you want that Mustang. These past few years... they’re not you. You’re still the same boy you’ve always been.”_ _

__“You were hardly around for that kid, either,” Ben said, but his words had no real venom in them, just sadness._ _

__“I know, and I regret that.”_ _

__“I might not have gotten sick if you hadn’t.”_ _

__“We might have caught it sooner, that’s true.” Han sighed, picking up his fork and eating the food on his own tray._ _

__Ben pulled his tray closer again and began eating, eying Rey as she grudgingly followed suit. “I guess the meatloaf isn’t terrible,” she muttered, and Ben offered her a tiny smile._ _

__“I told you so.”_ _

__“Your therapist told me that I should talk to you,” Han said suddenly, and Ben looked up with a frown. “He said there’s something about you I should know.”_ _

__“Did he?” Ben stared at Han._ _

__“Isn’t there? Because he seemed to indicate that there was some story I should know.”_ _

__“Is that not, like, a violation of non-disclosure?” Rey spoke up._ _

__“I may have given him permission,” Ben said slowly._ _

__“To tell the story for you?” Rey asked._ _

__“No, to... give some vague updates as to how I’m doing with therapy.” He gave Han a rueful glance. “Really, it was the least I could do after trying to kill you.” He sighed. “What exactly did he tell you?”_ _

__“Just that you’re doing well, and you had a chance to speak about an unresolved past trauma you experienced which he didn’t think you’d ever spoken about before. I asked what that was about, and he told me to talk to you.”_ _

__“That makes more sense,” Rey commented, taking a bite of mashed potato. Ben nodded, watching her eat out of the corner of his eye. “Stop monitoring me. It’s creepy.”_ _

__Ben’s lips twitched. “Sorry. You were the one making an issue earlier.”_ _

__“I’m guessing you’re not going to tell me, then? Ben, you can trust me.”_ _

__Ben bit his lip, looking down at his food. “You wouldn’t believe me.”_ _

__“Of course I would.”_ _

__“I’d really rather you not know about it.” He jumped, feeling a sudden hand on his thigh, and looked at Rey in surprise._ _

__“I get it,” she said quietly. “It must be awful when it’s someone everyone trusts. You would naturally doubt yourself.”_ _

__Han stared at Ben. “You told her the thing you won’t tell me? I don’t know if it’s so good for you two to be getting so close in here.”_ _

__“The circumstances are bad,” Rey agreed as Ben floundered, “but having a friend helps. A lot. I haven’t dismantled the clock in my room since we’ve been talking.”_ _

__“Does that mean what I think it means?” Ben scowled, eyes flashing to her covered arms. “I _knew_ some of those cuts looked recent.”_ _

__Han cleared his throat awkwardly, and they all went quiet. “Please tell me what happened,” he said quietly. “I’ll listen.”_ _

__“I can’t,” Ben said, his voice nearly cracking with the strain of the situation._ _

__“What if I says you can let her come around for Christmas if you tell me?”_ _

__“Oh my god, don’t bribe me.” Ben set his head in his hands, breathing heavily._ _

__“Don’t, don’t,” Rey protested. “I’m fine here, really. Don’t listen to him. It’s really not worth it. I’m not worth that. Don’t panic; there’s no reason why—“_ _

__Ben stood up suddenly, shaking slightly as his fists clenched at his sides. “I can’t do this.”_ _

__A male nurse was at his side almost instantly, talking soothingly and gently as he enquired whether there was a problem. Ben pressed his lips together, his eyes screwed closed. “Stop,” he murmured. “Shut up, shut up, shut UP!”_ _

__“Son, I’m sorry—“ Han tried, but the nurse gently shushed him._ _

__Ben was backing away now, clearly panicking and on the verge of a total breakdown. The last thing he remembered was the nurse urging him to breathe, and Rey’s gentle reassurances in his ear._ _

__***_ _

__“You had a panic attack when your father asked you to tell him what had happened.”_ _

__Ben stared at the psychiatrist. “Yes. I know.”_ _

__“You want to walk me through how you felt?”_ _

__“The voices just got so loud,” Ben murmured. “Telling me they wouldn’t believe me, that I should kill myself, that I should hurt them.”_ _

__“Is hurting others around you always what the voices suggest?”_ _

__Ben shrugged vaguely, biting at his lip. “I need to tell him, though,” he whispered. “I can tell. It’s important.”_ _

__“I know. I can be with you next time, if that’s what you need. I knew you needed to tell him, but I didn’t realize he would press you to the point of getting you into a panic.”_ _

__“He doesn’t understand.”_ _

__“You keep telling me that, Ben, but maybe you need to try and put yourself in his shoes for a moment. You’re blocking out all these healthy moments with your parents because you’ve become fixated on what your mind has told you for so long.”_ _

__“Have I?”_ _

__“When you’re listening to the voice in your head, what does he tell you?”_ _

__There was a long silence before Ben responded quietly. “That them always leaving shows that they don’t care. That they don’t want to know about me. Or on bad days, that they’re evil. They think they’re great and light and uplifting but their dedication to that concept makes them evil.” He shrugged as he looked up at the therapist. “I could explain that in a way that makes sense, because it does, really.”_ _

__“And that’s why you tried to kill your father?”_ _

__“I...” Ben faltered. “I guess so.”_ _

__“You see, Ben, you’re just having a hard time separating the fantasy that had been your reality for such a long time from the actual truth. Your parents aren’t bad people. They’re not perfect, nobody is, but they’re trying, and the sooner you can trust yourself to believe that, the easier it’ll get to recover.”_ _

__Ben studied his hands. “Shouldn’t I just... cut off the past? Start again?”_ _

__“Without acknowledging and making peace with one’s past, one can never really have a healthy relationship with themselves, or anyone else for that matter.” Silence filled the room for a minute, then the therapist leaned forward. “Things will never be perfect, Ben, but you can learn to enjoy the life you have. Your family, your friends.”_ _

__Ben nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.”_ _

__After everything, the only thing that had ever stood in his way was his own brain. But suddenly he was wondering if maybe that wasn’t the life sentence he had always thought of it as._ _

__***_ _

__“The thing is, with schizophrenia, I’m in the middle of a psychosis, sure, but I can think clearly. And it feels like I’m capable of anything, that I can change the world. The fantasy becomes your reality. And then you learn that it’s all an illusion, and it’s almost disappointing to come back down. It’s hard.”_ _

__“I don’t know what that’s like,” Rey said slowly as she cut a heart out of construction paper, struggling with the blunt scissors. “But what’s helped me has been deciding that we can use our experiences to help others. Just because you can’t solve world problems, doesn’t mean you can’t solve smaller issues around you.”_ _

__“What are you thinking of there?”_ _

__“I’m considering becoming a therapist one day so that I can help others who have been in my position. The longer I’m here, the better I’ve been feeling, the more positive I’ve been about my life. It’s been over a month, you know. And they’ve made me write out an idea for my future. Start dreaming again.”_ _

__Ben smiled. “That’s good.”_ _

__“But you can too, Ben. You can do a lot of good.”_ _

__“I know.” Ben reached around Rey for a pen, writing her name I’m careful calligraphy. She leaned over to watch. “Helping you is the only place I know to start,” he murmured._ _

__“I don’t think I need help anymore,” she said with a soft smile. “It feels good to feel... love. But I don’t want you to see me as a responsibility.”_ _

__“I don’t. It’s complicated. You’re a way out of my own mind, a new start. You’ve helped pull me out of this fantasy I’ve been in, and made the transition a little softer.”_ _

__“You seem a lot lighter now,” Rey agreed._ _

__“I feel lighter.” He exhaled deeply. “I spoke to my dad yesterday. Told him what happened all those years ago.”_ _

__“What did he say?”_ _

__“He... he listened. He told me I should have spoken up sooner. He believed me. He went out on a limb and believed his mentally ill son over the friend he’d known for years.”_ _

__“He loves you.” Rey smiled sadly._ _

__“He told me you’re welcome to come for Christmas.” Rey looked up quickly, and Ben held up a hand. “And don’t tell me you’re not worth it, because you are. My parents can see how you’ve helped me.”_ _

__Rey smiled shyly. “Maybe you’re right. I’m still trying to figure out my place in a all this.”_ _

__“No,” Ben said softly. “You’re the one who’s right. You’ve got a great capacity to help people. And you need to use that, build your future out of that. You’re not at all useless, and I’m so glad you’re starting to see that.”_ _

__Rey looked at the jagged heart shape she had just cut out, and smiled tentatively. “Neither of is are quite there yet.”_ _

__“But we can get there,” Ben said firmly. “Somehow. It won’t be easy, but we can. I’m starting to really believe that.”_ _

__Rey looked up at him. “So you want me there at Christmas?”_ _

__Ben bit his lip. “Well, I don’t know about you, but... I’m not going to let the therapists tell us we shouldn’t be together. I think we absolutely should be.”_ _

__Rey smiled, a full-on, toothy grin. “You’re asking me to be your girlfriend?”_ _

__“I am.” Ben smiled back at her. “But don’t kiss me,” he whispered hurriedly. “We have to keep it a secret.”_ _

__“It doesn’t matter,” Rey told him. “That doesn’t spoil it for me. Things are looking up.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Ben murmured. “Yeah, they are.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! If anyone wants to write what happens over Christmas, you’re welcome to... but I decided to just end it here. Keep it kind of open-ended. I know the ending seems kind of sudden, but I wanted to leave it partway through their recovery, not all the way.


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